मेरी दाड़ी

उँगलियों का स्पर्श,
मेरे गालों पर,
मेरे बालों पर
मेरी ... ऊबड़-खाबड़ दाड़ी पर,
कल्पना, स्वप्न, अभिलाषा
या उड़ान,
भींचना होठों का,
या फिर
उंगली के नाखूनों का संघर्ष
हाथ की - कभी स्वयं से, कभी दातों से,
गालों को टिकाना,
सम्पूर्ण हथेली पर,
या फिर
हथेलियों का,
उँगलियों को भींचकर
दोनों हाथों की
सर को सहारा देना,
किसी से बात करते
एक टकी लगा कर देखना
कहीं और
कुछ सूचक मात्र हैं
ये किर्याकलाप
कौन, कब, किससे, किसको, क्यों,
कैसे, कहाँ,
दर्शाते हैं
पथ उड़ान का
साकार करने के लिए
कल्पनाएँ
एक सम्पूर्ण सामंजस्य...
(२६ अगस्त १९९२, १० बजे सुबह, हर्मंन माइनर स्कूल, भीमताल, नैनीताल, उत्तरप्रदेश, उत्तरांचल)

I MISS YOU

When I enter our bed room
instead of bed
I look at the broom
more of the clothes to see
and the dust floating
all around the room
I get tempted to touch your clothes
just to console my heart
of your symbolic presence
of your sweet touch
and the feel of that fragrance
you are with me
all the while
when I miss you
I feel your presence.

Becoming impatient at times
waiting for tomorrow
tomorrow of hope,
happiness and
of togetherness
filling smoke all around the room
and trying to stay
in this peculiar smell of smoke
I know I can not choke
getting habituated to it
but I am sure you would appear one day
and this smoke would provide
odour of real life
and would make us gay
my tears would not stop falling
but might have more density
remembering the days of your physical absence
for you it may not make much sense
but I still feel your presence
when I am alone and
when I miss you.

Whenever I go through -
‘when hearts are loyal distances make not difference’
I become assured
of your dear and sweet love
love that comes
from bottom of your heart
love that makes me feel
of your presence inside me
and of course willingly
or unwillingly
my presence within you
inside you
can I feel the way you feel my presence
can I be of any physical help
I wish if I could
I know my presence must be disturbing you
in my absence
may be it may not disturb you
as much as in my presence
I do not want to miss you
in your presence
be far
far off
but do not allow me to miss you
I already have missed you a lot
but I confess honestly
I miss you as much
as if
I do not have life as such
I miss you very much.
I miss you very much.

(14th August 1999, 2:30 am early morning when DD Metro is showing Gumrah hindi movie)

WHEN I GREW BEARD

The harvest gets ready
for the season of spring
and the oath taken on the pillar
of a self-made temple
seems to be fulfilled.

Keen for cutting the harvest
and getting ready to take
another oath for the next target
or following self-ruled routine.

Day by day it gets thicker
and thicker, showing
some uneasiness to others,
giving chance to
their non-expressing minds
some expression of thought
‘sir looks desparate’,
I overheard
When I grew beard.

Forgot my own reasons
given to them by me,
by my ownself long back
sometime for my so-called desparateness.

Talking about my eating style
without disturbing my inner self
and outer side showing them
the marks of rich recipes.

Scratching every now and then
and cutting maintenance cost
by manual maintenance.

Do I really look old in you,
I tend to feel when they say so.
Why should they be taken so seriously.
‘Sir is doing another Ph D’
I heard
When I grew beard.

There are lies,
may be a safe place
to roam around
for flies.

Covering my lips
and obstructing many times
for their better optional use.

Hiding a pit covered
all over with grass around.
Releasing words without obstruction
and showing its genuine place.

I have to think a lot
before it gets thicker
and for being able to tell the reason
of its thickness,
of its being thick.

The weather gets cold
and I have got a reason to be told,
Yes for winters
I get geared,
When I grow beard.

Yes I am getting old,
at times I have reasons
to feel desperate
and yes there is an oath
in waiting for her,
I am not BenHur.

Just a person like anybody
with emotions.
I do need expression
and it becomes mode of expression,
of feeling alone,
feeling busy and
with commitment waiting for the dawn.

Still they at times tease
and remind me,
it is getting dense.

But how can I close my ears
to the whispering sound of theirs
‘he needs a close shave’
I overheard,
When I grew beard.


1st August 1999/00:40 night